Another draft

Working title: Creating my own borders: Identity & Clothing

 

Being a first generation born Indian-Kiwi woman I have always felt like I didn’t completely fit in to my surroundings. Growing up in two different cultures has led me to struggle within myself but has also shown me a new perception of who I am and can become. There have been instances when I would try to ‘fit in’ but it would always seem as if I was losing a part of my true self and essence. Is it the fact that I thought wearing traditional Indian clothes at events would leave a good imprint on the community and how they perceived me as a person knowing that this wasn’t my true self? Or I started listening to Western music just to be able to talk about it with my classmates knowing that I enjoyed Indian and Punjabi music to a much deeper level? There has always been an animosity between what makes me truly a New Zealander and an Indian but why can’t I just be both in one? Being a ‘product’ of diaspora and acculturation, it has been tough creating an identity for myself that correlates both cultures equally and undefinably.

Ultimately my true roots and core centre will always be based in India, specifically Punjab but these roots interweave with New Zealand because it’s where I’ve been born and raised my whole life. Yes, culturally I am more inclined towards being an Indian but lifestyle wise it will always be being a Kiwi. This in itself is a clash of ideologies and a new emergence of conversations to be had within the community as well as my own household. Having a sense of belonging or even an essence of knowing who you are gives a branch of empowerment and security to an individual. The issue here is that being born and brought up in New Zealand, I will still always be ‘classified’ as an Indian and have the same typical stereotypes attached to me like any other Indian which I have now become accustomed to. Regardless of the environment,  I want to show that there is much more to being Indian than butter chicken and Bollywood and be able to celebrate it through my own variations of Indian clothing silhouettes.

I have always wanted to explore and challenge my personal identity through fashion and styles of clothing alongside this collective cultural identity I am associated with. Indians are stereotyped as an overall ethnicity but not many people are aware of the diverse sub-cultures embedded in it. “Clothing and fashion provide the perfect material medium through which cultural and conceptual shifts, and evolving identities can be negotiated, fine-tuned and re-shaped to suit individual and collective needs” (Sandhu, 2015, p. 49). Clothing has always been its own visual language. It is an ever-changing trend of expression and style that is sustained through inspiration, culture, and history, underlined by identities. It is a tool you could say that defines class within a social and an economical context. These physical choices we make on a daily basis of what to wear and how to wear it define how we choose to represent ourselves to the wider community and society. It is the most common way to portray gender, age, personality and ethnicity. What we wear gives us a sense of someone’s identity. “The body is both the carrier of culture and identity, as well as the primary focus of consumption, with adornment its primary focus” (Sandhu, 2015, p. 63).

Being moulded into two cultures constantly creates a dimension of being lost, found and blurred. It is my perspective and choice that will lead me to be able to celebrate this new identity through deconstruction and reconstruction within my own journey. It is worth challenging and pushing the boundaries of how clothing can truly express identities by dressing the body in a particular way or having a specific style. Even though Indians are categorised as one, could there be a way to break through and bring out the sub-cultures into New Zealand? If being dressed in a particular way can change the perception or give a sense of someone’s identity, then it can also challenge and re-create a new identity as well as celebrate it. As a designer and a clothing fanatic I want to push the boundary of what is the ‘norm’ while looking back into this idea of hybridity by changing certain silhouettes and ideologies when it comes to traditional Indian clothing.

Dealing with the Punjabi community and their judgement

For as long as I can recall, my mum would sew me something new to wear when visiting the temple as there wasn't much accessibility in New Zealand for Indian clothing and we didn't have the extra funds to. I remember it first started with a plain lace fabric with a cream tone that loosely fit over my bodice and long irritating pants that entangled my toes as I walked. The silky lining protected me from being exposed and cold but it still wasn't something I was comfortable in. An opaque green scarf accompanied it to cover my head during the prayers but would never sit still, it still doesn't to this day. I still didn’t feel like I fit in because I wasn’t wearing something typically made in India. The rich embroidery and layers of colours were no where to be seen on me. Regardless of the material and make, the silhouette remained the same as any other traditional Punjabi attire, so why did it even matter? 

Every Sunday as I walked down the centre of the temple to bow my head in front of the Holy book, I could feel people's gazes piercing through me with utter judgement. I would be engulfed in embarrassment and nervousness that I would always go and sit at the back so no one would look at me. I used to silently listen to the taunts the other aunties gave to my mum for not being a certain way or dressing a certain way but she never gave in or talked back. 

When I reflect back to this time I can definitely say the problem wasn’t with the clothing, it was other people’s mindsets as well as my own. I couldn't 'fit in' because I was never brought up that way. I was a product of two cultural identities that couldn't sub-due to just the one. My mind was fed with all these bright, bold & wealthy Bollywood movies that portrayed a richness in clothing and how that determined one's 'class' in society. I grew up believing ‘more is more’ and less is a misfit or poor. These experiences and memories were critical for me and had to occur in order for me to become who I am today and shape my own values as a Kiwi-Indian.

How I used their judgement to shape my own version of Indian Clothing

As time passed and the festivals came and went, I began to explore my own mind through clothing. Experiences at school, college, home and the temple intertwined and shaped my perception on Indian clothes and the potential to make them in a non-traditional form. I couldn't source materials all the way from India because it would be too expensive and I couldn't find the same fabric or sorts of embellishments here but I just had to try something and see where it led.

7 years ago, I sewed my own Lehnga from scratch. I remember finding this floral fabric at spotlight and envisioning its potential. I managed to find an Indian store that sold borders and embellishments to add layers and give it that Indian touch, otherwise it may have just been a crop top and maxi skirt. A feeling of achievement, proudness and empowerment is documented in this very photograph. Even though it was the traditional silhouette of a Lehnga, I had made it with materials completely sourced in New Zealand locally.

(add in close ups of seams, floral work, embellishments - untidyness, things I would do differently?)

My own (thought) process:

1) I'm old enough to make my own decisions and I really have a passion to design and sew Indian clothing

2) Find fabric at spotlight that would work and is affordable

3) Let's see how this goes 

4) "Mum can you help me because I don't know how to cut the fabric"

5) This is actually coming together but taking so long

6) Finally finished!

7) Mum tells me everything that's wrong with it (technically) but It's okay because only I will be wearing this

8) I wear it out to an event and get the looks from all the aunties

9) Stopped caring and enjoyed myself!

10) Don't forget to document it and just be happy.

Fast forward to 2019

6 years later, I went through the same process yet ended up with a different product from the same traditional Lehnga silhouette. There was no need for borders or heaps of embellishments anymore, the fabric itself was enough of a statement. There's still a sense of achievement and proudness but now clouded by confidence and certainty.

(add close up of fabric, seams, layers)

Here's what I now know for sure:

- The experiences we have and obstacles we face are to shape us into better and stronger individuals. 

- By doing nothing, nothing will change so fight for the things you believe in (if you have to).

- Through discomfort there is growth. 

- Only you know your true self so don't feel the need to be validated by others

- Even though the temple is a place of worship, it has become gossip central. If you are religious, you don't need a place to   worship just your inner self.

- The aunties at the temple will judge but don't know what their own daughters are up to!!

- Make mistakes so you can learn from them.

- Things take time so patience is key

- Don't try to hand sew over 100 pearls individually because that takes a lot of time. 

What I want to achieve and want to see in the future

I want to see a shift within the community and their mindsets when it comes to wearing indian clothing. I wouldn't want other girls to go through the same judgement constantly through the new emerging generations. Can the community become a place of support and growth and the temple go back to just a place of worship and sense of belonging. 

How is this going to be measured?