Finalising draft

 Working title: Creating my own borders: Identity & Clothing

 

Being a first generation born Indian-Kiwi woman I have always felt like I didn’t completely fit in to my surroundings. Growing up in two different cultures has led me to struggle within myself but has also shown me a new perception of who I am and can become. There have been instances when I would try to ‘fit in’ but it would always seem as if I was losing a part of my true self and essence. Is it the fact that I thought wearing traditional Indian clothes at events would leave a good imprint on the community and how they perceived me as a person knowing that this wasn’t my true self? Or I started listening to Western music just to be able to talk about it with my classmates knowing that I enjoyed Indian and Punjabi music to a much deeper level? There has always been an animosity between what makes me truly a New Zealander and an Indian but why can’t I just be both in one? Being a ‘product’ of diaspora and acculturation, it has been tough creating an identity for myself that correlates both cultures equally and undefinably.

Ultimately my true roots and core centre will always be based in India, specifically Punjab but these roots interweave with New Zealand because it’s where I’ve been born and raised my whole life. Yes, culturally I am more inclined towards being an Indian but lifestyle wise it will always be being a Kiwi. This in itself is a clash of ideologies and a new emergence of conversations to be had within the community as well as my own household. Having a sense of belonging or even an essence of knowing who you are gives a branch of empowerment and security to an individual. The issue here is that being born and brought up in New Zealand, I will still always be ‘classified’ as an Indian and have the same typical stereotypes attached to me like any other Indian which I have now become accustomed to. Regardless of the environment,  I want to show that there is much more to being Indian than butter chicken and Bollywood and be able to celebrate it through my own variations of Indian clothing silhouettes.

I have always wanted to explore and challenge my personal identity through fashion and styles of clothing alongside this collective cultural identity I am associated with. Indians are stereotyped as an overall ethnicity but not many people are aware of the diverse sub-cultures embedded in it. “Clothing and fashion provide the perfect material medium through which cultural and conceptual shifts, and evolving identities can be negotiated, fine-tuned and re-shaped to suit individual and collective needs” (Sandhu, 2015, p. 49). Clothing has always been its own visual language. It is an ever-changing trend of expression and style that is sustained through inspiration, culture, and history, underlined by identities. It is a tool you could say that defines class within a social and an economical context. These physical choices we make on a daily basis of what to wear and how to wear it define how we choose to represent ourselves to the wider community and society. It is the most common way to portray gender, age, personality and ethnicity. What we wear gives us a sense of someone’s identity. So what are people of two cultural backgrounds meant to wear? 

“The body is both the carrier of culture and identity, as well as the primary focus of consumption, with adornment its primary focus” (Sandhu, 2015, p. 63).

Being moulded into two cultures constantly creates a dimension of being lost, found and blurred. It is my perspective and choice that will ultimately lead me to be able to celebrate this identity through deconstruction and reconstruction within my own journey. It is definitely worth challenging and pushing the boundaries of how clothing can truly express identities. This can be done by dressing the body in a particular way or having a specific approach with the materials and resources available. 

Even though Indians are categorised as one, could there be a way to break through and bring out the sub-cultures into New Zealand? If being dressed in a particular way can change the perception or give a sense of someone’s identity, then it can also challenge and re-create a new identity as well as celebrate it. As a designer and a clothing fanatic I want to push the boundary of what is the ‘norm’ while looking back into this idea of hybridity by changing certain silhouettes and ideologies when it comes to traditional Indian clothing. More is definitely not more when it comes to any sort of clothing. If you strip the traditional Indian clothing from its embroideries, borders and layering only the silhouette will remain. I personally don’t like the extensive use of embroidery and borders on clothing as it projects traditional auras whereas I prefer something more simple that has a lustre of elegance leaving the silhouette exposed in its true form. The play of what is exposed and covered ignites an excitement when looking to design and make my own Indian garments. The body should be flattered through its fit, portrayal of silhouette and fabric.  

Incidents that have moulded me:

Attending the Gurudwara (the temple)

I remember it first started with a plain lace fabric with a cream tone that loosely fit over my bodice and long irritating pants that entangled my toes as I walked. The silky lining protected me from being exposed and cold but it still wasn't something I was comfortable in. An opaque green scarf accompanied it to cover my head during the prayers but would never sit still, it still doesn't to this day. I finally felt like I was I was fitting in with my culture & community because of the overall traditional silhouette.To my dismay, I discovered later on I didn't fit in because I wasn’t wearing something typically made in India. The rich embroidery and layers of bright and bold colours were no where to be seen on me. I was being judged for wearing something simple. Regardless of the material and make, the silhouette remained the same as any other traditional Punjabi attire, so why did it even matter? 

Every Sunday as I walked down the centre of the temple to bow my head in front of the Holy book, I could feel people's gazes piercing through me with utter judgement. I would be engulfed in so much embarrassment and nervousness that I would always go and sit at the back so no one would look at me. I used to silently listen to the taunts the other aunties gave to my mum for not being a certain way or dressing a certain way but she never gave in or talked back. 

When I reflect back to this time I can definitely say the problem wasn’t with the clothing, it was other people’s mindsets as well as my own. I couldn't 'fit in' because I was never brought up that way. I’m a product of two cultural identities that can't sub-due to just the one. I saw clothes in a new form influenced highly from the western culture and my own perspective. My mind used to be fed with all these bright, bold & wealthy Bollywood movies that portrayed a richness in clothing and how that determined one's 'class' in society. I grew up believing more is more and less is a misfit or poor. These experiences and memories were critical for me and had to occur in order for me to become who I am today and shape my own values as a Kiwi-Indian woman today.

The Aunties at the temple

Whether you come from a similar or even a completely different background you will definitely have encountered a type of ‘auntie’ in your life. They are real-life people with different personas and attributes that can be categorised into the following:

1. The two-faced auntie: Whether it be an aunt or not, the majority of us have definitely encountered this type of person. Super sweet on the outside but venomous on the inside. Highly recommend to stay away from this type of aunty as they are extremely harmful to your mental health.
2. The opinionated auntie: She basically has an opinion on everyone and everything. Inserting her two cents into any conversation is her hobby. These ones can get annoying and as you get older you learn to steadily push back.
3. The dramatic auntie: This one loves to exaggerate the facts and stir the pot. Her body language and hand gestures are excessive. 

Now the temple is meant to be a place of worship and peace but has become the number one location for other members of the community to gossip and socialise, especially these aunties. Over time their personas have turned into memes and other girls like me have also rebelled against them. During my parents’ generations it was seen as disrespectful to talk back but I have observed the opposite. It is still considered disrespectful however our new generation consciously chooses to throw logic on the table. Logic and questioning them has seemed to be the only effective tool to put them in their place and express how we truly feel. Oh how the tables have turned..

How I used their judgement to shape my own version of Indian Clothing

As time passed and I grew older, I began to explore my own perspective through clothing. The less I attended the temple, the less clouded my mind was with confusion and self-doubt. Experiences at school, college, home and the temple intertwined and shaped my perception on Indian clothes and the potential to make them in a non-traditional form. I began to question why the body had to be dressed a certain way in order for it to be accepted in society. I knew I had the passion and drive to do something that would push those boundaries and create a new normal. 

With this vision came many hurdles. I was unable to source materials all the way from India because it would be too expensive to ship them over. I couldn't find the same type of fabrics, embellishments or borders. All I knew was that I just had to try something and see where it would lead. I visited local stores and used the fabrics available to then mould the design.  

7 years ago, I sewed my own Lehnga from scratch. I remember finding this floral fabric at spotlight and envisioning its potential. I managed to find an Indian store that sold borders and embellishments to add layers and give it that Indian touch, otherwise it may have just been a crop top and maxi skirt. I learnt how to cut, measure, sew and embellish through this one project. I understood that quality and some technicalities needed to be worked on if I wanted to pursue this passion further.

A feeling of achievement, proudness and empowerment is documented in the photograph below. It took almost a month for me to learn the core basic steps of how to create an Indian garment.  Even though it was the traditional silhouette of a Lehnga, I had made it with materials completely sourced in New Zealand locally. If we talk about the present, I probably wouldn’t wear this again because my perception has developed.

(add in close ups of seams, floral work, embellishments - untidyness, things I would do differently?)

You can see bright intricate printed flowers outlined in gold. In Indian culture gold is considered sacred and always linked to the idea of security. It is said that the more gold you have the more secure you are. I used wide gold borders to outline the garment. The bright pink mesh is transparent and plays with the idea of being exposed.The stitching itself is irregular and something I needed to work on. From this piece I was able discover how I looked at it and critiqued my own work. 

My own (thought) process:

 Expanding on the 10 points of my process:

1) I'm old enough to make my own decisions and follow what I'm passionate about when it comes to sewing Indian garments.

Watching my mum sew as I grew up led me to be more creative and love making something out of fabric. I kept following my passion which led me to create some stunning pieces (for myself anyway). Only I know what I want to create out of the fabric I buy so I don't need anyone's approval to do so. 

2) Make use of the resources around you

Indian clothes are constructed of rich embroidery, exotic fabric and depths of layers which can be difficult to locate in New Zealand. India has an expansive range of everything at affordable prices and if you were to convert that here, it would be extremely expensive. I was able to purchase velvet, net embroidered fabric, get it stitched by a tailor within $150 NZD. The fabric alone would cost more than $150 here. Instead of looking for the right materials I decide to create garments out of what is available locally and it has worked out the same if not better! 

3) Go with the flow

Things will not always run smoothly especially when it comes to sewing. There are so many components on the sewing machine and the fabric itself that needs to be taken care of. The thread in the bobbin will need to be refilled, the needle may break mid-sew or the fabric just isn't sitting right due to its grain. I remember times where I've been so frustrated and rip the fabric away from the machine. All you need to do is to take a step back and be patient. 

4) Ask for help if you need it. 

Asking for help doesn't make you any less knowledgable, it just means you acknowledge that this is something you don't know and are willing enough to seek help. I would always ask my mum for help when I was first starting out and I still do if something doesn't make sense. 

5) Don't make doubting yourself a habit

It's hard not to. Even though my vision and goal is clear, it's the journey itself that creates doubt. I tend to ask myself how do I even get there? Why couldn't sourcing nice materials be easier? or is this even going to work the way I want it to? 

From sewing my own clothes I've understood that you will learn as you go and doubting yourself will always stop you from getting things done. 

6) Finish what you started

There have been so many times I've started a new project but stopped half way because I've lost inspiration or the drive to continue. It's good to take a step back and reflect on the progress. It's not a matter of rushing to get it done but to complete a goal that would bring you satisfaction and a sense of achievement. 

7) Get someone else to look at it with fresh eyes

You never know what comes up when you get someone else to look at what you've done and critique it. Although it's your own creation you may learn to look at it from a new perspective. I know my mum will always have a fine eye for the details and can pick out the irregular cutting and improper stitches. That is then what I have focused on, to make it clean and quality. 

8) Show it off

If I've created something from scratch and brought my vision to life so I'm definitely going to joyfully show it off. Enjoy it and don't worry about anyone else because I know the aunties will gossip regardless .

9) Don't forget to document the moment

Always take a picture because when you look back at where you came from to where you are now you will see a huge difference. Not just with the clothing but within yourself too as your skill set and confidence develops. 

7 years ago I didn't even know what I was doing. All I knew was that I liked fabric and wanted to make something for myself that was a mix between India and the Western culture. 

10) ...

There will be a new technique, process or skill still to be acquired which is why I have left it like this. In 5 years time I won't be the same person, won't be sewing the same clothes repeatedly and will have a different perspective on things. I'm just learning as I go and taking it in. 

Fast forward to 2019

6 years later, I went through the same process yet ended up with a different product from the same traditional Lehnga silhouette. There was no longer a need for borders or heaps of embellishments anymore. The fabric itself was enough of a statement. It’s still bright and bold as the traditional clothes usually are but accompanied by a pure white crop top. I was able to bring the two together harmoniously. You can see that there's still a sense of achievement and proudness but now supported with confidence and certainty. Through this design and sewing process I have a much stronger sense of belonging to my own identity and roots. I was able to develop a deeper bond with my mum and discover a passion I never knew I originally had. 

I can hear the voices from the aunties in my mind as I stare at this photograph. I can imagine them saying to cover up and how would my mum let me go out wearing this in public. This one’s for them..

(add close up of fabric, seams, layers)

What I want to achieve and want to see in the future

In the future, I want to see a shift within the community and their mindsets when it comes to wearing any sort of clothing. I wouldn't want other girls to go through the same judgement constantly only to be left with low self-esteem and doubt. There should be an open space for the new emerging generations and identities to create their own versions. I want to see new normals that are accepted and celebrated widely. For myself, I know I want to keep expanding on this skill set and keep creating new garments with hybrid silhouettes. It is the hobby that has connected me to my roots, new identity, passion and family.

 The only question that will always remain is can the Punjabi community become a place of support and growth or will new generations like myself have to forever push the boundaries?

Will need to work on finished structure of the book and obtain images of the close ups.

Need to make sure word count is satisfactory.